So the other day i told Fad to consider me as a love interest too. Gosh she was pretty grim about it. Its not like i want to ask her out to be my girlfriend or that i really love her or anything. Man, people need to lighten up, better to tell her anyway as precaution. I must admit i find the whole thing rather amusing.
Life's pretty boring nowadays, it's just the second day of the holidays and i'm already bored out of my mind, Jesus christ there must be something to do, how am i going to survive 3 weeks of nothing ?
I guess its time i learned to play the guitar again, and probably learn a little malay too. I always wanted to learn malay ever since i know A can speak a little chinese. It got me thinking if a malay can speak a little chinese, then hey i can speak a little malay too. Besides people are always getting me mixed up as a malay, if i learn malay it could save me a lot of explanation time.
This few weeks hasn't been good at all, i can see that i've changed a lot from who i used to be. I no longer believe in the principles that i practiced, but i don't want to let this principles goes. Things just seem to get more and more messy later and i've gotten myself into a lot of predicaments that i shouldn't have. It's like i want everything, and at the same time nothing. Worse of all my english seem to have degraded.
I believe that a change in me is required, i need to evolve into something else.
Friday, September 14, 2007
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
3
So Aini told me she got a boyfriend.
That really really really broke my heart, gosh it just hurts so bad, it really hurts
Yes i know she has done nothing wrong. It's just so funny ... i thought we both liked each other, just ... so funny she ended up with someone else. I never even saw it comming, but i did have a feeling she was going to have one that time, i told fiona about it, fish and the rest didnt believe me and said i was thinking too much.
I'm so dumb, listening to friends, they didn't know anything and i heeded what they say. I should have trusted myself, my assumptions always came true in contrast to my friend's word.
Aini have a boyfriend. Suddenly my outlook on life changes entirely. Ever since the whole Aini affair i've changed a lot, even sock hoon noticed the changed. I hate Aini for that too, she changed me, i'm not who i am anymore and i hated it. The strong triumps and the weak perishes, the law of nature. I guess thats why Aini's boyfriend wins, i don't want to be weak again, and kindness is a weakness.
I've really gotten bold, i even started messaging zuoyi's friend and just started chatting with her, until the extend that i can pratically ask her out after just 2 days of sms-ing. I feel so empty nowadays, i've never been afraid of the loneliness, but recently i just feel like i need someone to love. But i don't have anyone left to love now do i ?
So angry, so bitter, so disappointed. I don't even know who the other guy is. But he ought to be more handsome, more funny, smarter and sleeker. Then in that case part of me is strangely despite all the negative feeling happy for her.
Yet i'm so angry.
Not that i can't feel the change in myself, i know i've changed. Felicia has been asking me to go clubbing with her. It'll be nice to hang out with her but clubbing, sigh, i really have no interest in getting intimate with girls i don't know. But maybe who knows, seeing as how i'm changing, i might grow to like it. But for now, i'll just like someone to accompany to a quiet place and let me just sit down and just enjoy the ambience with someone. Somewhere with a nice view, maybe a really high building, or the beach.
I'm afraid one of drifting apart from Fadhilah again, slowly by slowly she'll realise i'm not the same boy she knew. One year can change a lot of things. It's highly probable that when she is together with Jaz, which i'm pretty sure will happen, i'll have a hard time talking to her and we'll drift apart. But then as i learnt from Aini, nothing is ever guranteened, and i guess its more true in love. Maybe Fadhilah will realise how much i've changed and we'll just drift apart, that seems highly probable too. Don't tell me one day i'll end up like Luqman, i certainly hope not.
Life just feels so empty recently.
That really really really broke my heart, gosh it just hurts so bad, it really hurts
Yes i know she has done nothing wrong. It's just so funny ... i thought we both liked each other, just ... so funny she ended up with someone else. I never even saw it comming, but i did have a feeling she was going to have one that time, i told fiona about it, fish and the rest didnt believe me and said i was thinking too much.
I'm so dumb, listening to friends, they didn't know anything and i heeded what they say. I should have trusted myself, my assumptions always came true in contrast to my friend's word.
Aini have a boyfriend. Suddenly my outlook on life changes entirely. Ever since the whole Aini affair i've changed a lot, even sock hoon noticed the changed. I hate Aini for that too, she changed me, i'm not who i am anymore and i hated it. The strong triumps and the weak perishes, the law of nature. I guess thats why Aini's boyfriend wins, i don't want to be weak again, and kindness is a weakness.
I've really gotten bold, i even started messaging zuoyi's friend and just started chatting with her, until the extend that i can pratically ask her out after just 2 days of sms-ing. I feel so empty nowadays, i've never been afraid of the loneliness, but recently i just feel like i need someone to love. But i don't have anyone left to love now do i ?
So angry, so bitter, so disappointed. I don't even know who the other guy is. But he ought to be more handsome, more funny, smarter and sleeker. Then in that case part of me is strangely despite all the negative feeling happy for her.
Yet i'm so angry.
Not that i can't feel the change in myself, i know i've changed. Felicia has been asking me to go clubbing with her. It'll be nice to hang out with her but clubbing, sigh, i really have no interest in getting intimate with girls i don't know. But maybe who knows, seeing as how i'm changing, i might grow to like it. But for now, i'll just like someone to accompany to a quiet place and let me just sit down and just enjoy the ambience with someone. Somewhere with a nice view, maybe a really high building, or the beach.
I'm afraid one of drifting apart from Fadhilah again, slowly by slowly she'll realise i'm not the same boy she knew. One year can change a lot of things. It's highly probable that when she is together with Jaz, which i'm pretty sure will happen, i'll have a hard time talking to her and we'll drift apart. But then as i learnt from Aini, nothing is ever guranteened, and i guess its more true in love. Maybe Fadhilah will realise how much i've changed and we'll just drift apart, that seems highly probable too. Don't tell me one day i'll end up like Luqman, i certainly hope not.
Life just feels so empty recently.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
2
A few days ago i chopped my hair off.
Funny i would have never expected myself to cut so much of my hair if it wasn't for a little talk i had with someone. Not to mention i cut it myself, my future in the hair-cutting industry seems bleak. Well my fringe used to be able to reach the tip of my lips, but now it can't even reach halfway across my forehead to my eyebrows.
Note to self:
Pretty soon i'll reveal this blog to Fadhilah, i believe there is a pretty high possibily things will get pretty awkward later on. But thats alright its not like its the first time we drifted far apart, besides people come and leave one's life often anyway. It would be wise however to plan a resolution first.
So back to my hair, my poor short hair.
The other day i had a converstation with Ida. Besides parents, Ida is probably one of the major influence in my life, she is probably the next most important woman in my life besides my mother or other family members. Shes like a sister i never had, and i always wanted a sister. But sometimes she feels more like a soulmate, sometimes my caretaker, sometimes my teacher.
Ida was a childhood friend from ages ago. I knew her when i was around primary 3. Her mother and my mother was friends and we got to know each other. You know how mothers are, they just love to push their children together to be friends.
We started hanging out together. But it was a long time ago and i can't remember a lot of stuff. I remember that we used to go to a tuition center at chongpang, the tutor was a crippled man, quite disfigured. She lives pretty close to me so we go together and come back together.
In our recent converstation she say she was always violent to me, perhaps jokingly. Funny how i don't remember any of that, the Ida i remembered was kind and gentle and caring and a lot of other traits modern people lack. Perhaps it was because she was still young herself.
I love animals and nature, but i love cats the most mainly because of her. Ida loves cat, i never found out why though. Have to remember to find out in the future. When i was young her cat gave birth to a litter of kittens, all of them or at least most was black, and she gave me Tomew, the kitten that was white and brown and black. I loved Tomew very very much. I liked cats out of other reasons too.
Cockroaches used to freak me out, i remember she told me that cockroaches are afraid of us as much as we're afraid of them, and ever since then i'm never afraid of cockroaches again.
She also taught me some stuff that only innocent little children can think of. I remembered once for some reason i can't remember we met up pretty early, before the sun even rised. There was some grass patch infront of my home, you know how dews forms on the grass in the early morning ? She used to teach me how to apple those dews to my eyes.
She taught me a lot about kindness too, i was living in my own world when i was young, the real world was so stupid and ignorant, people complaining over meaningless things, fighting among themselves and worrying over trival useless matters. I wasn't too keen on kindness too, but once Ida and i was doing this charity stuff and we climbed stairs up countless buildings to ask for donation, or was it to give out charity cards? Anyway i was tired and didn't but Ida reminded me of what we're doing for those who needs our help. Pretty touching for me back then, i adopted that idea and carry on being kind because of her influence.
Infront of my block was a bridge, at a corner of the bridge was a small cavern. There used to live a family of Cats in that cave. After tuition me and her will stop by the small cavern and feed the cats or play with them. The hole is partly still there, but the Cats are gone.
I'll add more to this list as i recall them in the future.
As i write about Ida, i miss her so much, so very much. On very rare occasions i'll just lay down on bed and suddenly remember her, and i feel like seeing her so badly again.
Ida is all grown up now, a lady as she call herself. Out in the corporate world slotting her guts out, she don't retain much of the innocences she once had when she was a child. She started smoking too, that disappoints me greatly. But it's nice to see her love for cats is still around, somethings never change.
The talk with her recently, once again she changed me. Recently i'm feeling angry and fraustrated at nothing at all. Everyone just seems so stupid and slow. Why aren't they doing things that really matters, wasting their times on childish games and joke, when they can accomplish so much more, lying to themselves because they can't accept harsh facts in their life. How can humanity be so stupid ?
Funny how it was a cat that started the conversation, she asked a lot of questions that i originally wanted to ask but didn't, and when i told her i thought of asking her the same questions she probably things i was trying to wiggle closer to her or something.
The adult working world changed Ida quite a bit, story short i talked to her and in the conversation i felt a change in me was required. I also told Ida she was a very important figure in my life, more so that she could have imagined, and she told me the same thing and told me to stop reading her mind instead.
She told me she missed me, that was exactly what i was thinking my dear Ida. She also told me we should hang out sometime, my pm " We should hang out sometime" before we even start talking i changed my pm in reference to that Ida.
After our talk i reflected i remembered a lot of stuff, and so i cut my hair short to mark this occasion. In which i remember precious times and i finally told Ida how important she was and finally to remind myself i'm not a child anymore and it's time to change.
Funny i would have never expected myself to cut so much of my hair if it wasn't for a little talk i had with someone. Not to mention i cut it myself, my future in the hair-cutting industry seems bleak. Well my fringe used to be able to reach the tip of my lips, but now it can't even reach halfway across my forehead to my eyebrows.
Note to self:
Pretty soon i'll reveal this blog to Fadhilah, i believe there is a pretty high possibily things will get pretty awkward later on. But thats alright its not like its the first time we drifted far apart, besides people come and leave one's life often anyway. It would be wise however to plan a resolution first.
So back to my hair, my poor short hair.
The other day i had a converstation with Ida. Besides parents, Ida is probably one of the major influence in my life, she is probably the next most important woman in my life besides my mother or other family members. Shes like a sister i never had, and i always wanted a sister. But sometimes she feels more like a soulmate, sometimes my caretaker, sometimes my teacher.
Ida was a childhood friend from ages ago. I knew her when i was around primary 3. Her mother and my mother was friends and we got to know each other. You know how mothers are, they just love to push their children together to be friends.
We started hanging out together. But it was a long time ago and i can't remember a lot of stuff. I remember that we used to go to a tuition center at chongpang, the tutor was a crippled man, quite disfigured. She lives pretty close to me so we go together and come back together.
In our recent converstation she say she was always violent to me, perhaps jokingly. Funny how i don't remember any of that, the Ida i remembered was kind and gentle and caring and a lot of other traits modern people lack. Perhaps it was because she was still young herself.
I love animals and nature, but i love cats the most mainly because of her. Ida loves cat, i never found out why though. Have to remember to find out in the future. When i was young her cat gave birth to a litter of kittens, all of them or at least most was black, and she gave me Tomew, the kitten that was white and brown and black. I loved Tomew very very much. I liked cats out of other reasons too.
Cockroaches used to freak me out, i remember she told me that cockroaches are afraid of us as much as we're afraid of them, and ever since then i'm never afraid of cockroaches again.
She also taught me some stuff that only innocent little children can think of. I remembered once for some reason i can't remember we met up pretty early, before the sun even rised. There was some grass patch infront of my home, you know how dews forms on the grass in the early morning ? She used to teach me how to apple those dews to my eyes.
She taught me a lot about kindness too, i was living in my own world when i was young, the real world was so stupid and ignorant, people complaining over meaningless things, fighting among themselves and worrying over trival useless matters. I wasn't too keen on kindness too, but once Ida and i was doing this charity stuff and we climbed stairs up countless buildings to ask for donation, or was it to give out charity cards? Anyway i was tired and didn't but Ida reminded me of what we're doing for those who needs our help. Pretty touching for me back then, i adopted that idea and carry on being kind because of her influence.
Infront of my block was a bridge, at a corner of the bridge was a small cavern. There used to live a family of Cats in that cave. After tuition me and her will stop by the small cavern and feed the cats or play with them. The hole is partly still there, but the Cats are gone.
I'll add more to this list as i recall them in the future.
As i write about Ida, i miss her so much, so very much. On very rare occasions i'll just lay down on bed and suddenly remember her, and i feel like seeing her so badly again.
Ida is all grown up now, a lady as she call herself. Out in the corporate world slotting her guts out, she don't retain much of the innocences she once had when she was a child. She started smoking too, that disappoints me greatly. But it's nice to see her love for cats is still around, somethings never change.
The talk with her recently, once again she changed me. Recently i'm feeling angry and fraustrated at nothing at all. Everyone just seems so stupid and slow. Why aren't they doing things that really matters, wasting their times on childish games and joke, when they can accomplish so much more, lying to themselves because they can't accept harsh facts in their life. How can humanity be so stupid ?
Funny how it was a cat that started the conversation, she asked a lot of questions that i originally wanted to ask but didn't, and when i told her i thought of asking her the same questions she probably things i was trying to wiggle closer to her or something.
The adult working world changed Ida quite a bit, story short i talked to her and in the conversation i felt a change in me was required. I also told Ida she was a very important figure in my life, more so that she could have imagined, and she told me the same thing and told me to stop reading her mind instead.
She told me she missed me, that was exactly what i was thinking my dear Ida. She also told me we should hang out sometime, my pm " We should hang out sometime" before we even start talking i changed my pm in reference to that Ida.
After our talk i reflected i remembered a lot of stuff, and so i cut my hair short to mark this occasion. In which i remember precious times and i finally told Ida how important she was and finally to remind myself i'm not a child anymore and it's time to change.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
1
Gosh i just realised what a jerk i am recently.
When i was in Secondary 4 for the second time i fell for Fad, but for some reason i didn't tell her or made any really drastic move. Now that i think back about it, it was pretty funny.
Anyway all good parties comes to an end and soon i was out of secondary school and in ITE. During this course of one year a lot of things happened and over this time slowly i forgot about Fad. Then a few months passed again and i fell for my classmate Aini. What i really liked about her was her innocences, she was one of those good girl type and was so humble. Her cute dimples is a bonus man.
Talked to her a few months and we started sms-ing each other almost every night. Whenever she is on MSN she'll come talk to me. I always prefer to let the other party start the converstation, so that i know they want to talk to me just as much as i want to talk to them.
Those were some pretty good days, we'll smile at each other in class and the feeling was so very sweet, or sometimes we'll just make silly faces at each other. Soon i confessed to her that i liked her and we got along even better. I really believed we'll end up together. Once i asked her whether she likes me to or not, she said yea a little, and she wrote it on her livejournal too. Gosh i was so happy then, those were such good times.
But one day everything just broke down, i never really figured out why, maybe she finally knew the real me and turned away. Thinking back and reflecting on myself, i realised that maybe i was too possessive, or maybe i was too slow. Maybe i should have striked while the iron was hot. I didn't think of asking her to be my girlfriend because i knew she wanted to focus on her studies, at least she wanted to back then. Now shes changed from when i liked her, whilst she is still pretty much the same, she just don't feel as innocent as she was back then as a result of hanging out with Emira and the rest, shes now just a tad more like emira.
A few months has passed since we drifted apart and i guess i have to learn to let go, the feeling isn't as strong as it used to be and i felt like a fool, leaving me quite bitter
Then Fad ended up in the same school as me again, gosh what a turn of events, after i left secondary school i thought i would never see her again. I was glad to see her again but didn't think much of it. Then hanging out with her more and talking to her again, it reminds me of the old times and i'm starting to like her again. But she has her own life too
But i dont really know anything now, i don't know who i like anymore or what i want now. But the main thing is i realise what a jerk i am. Falling in love with this girl and that, i guess in the end i wont have either and i pretty much deserve it.
When i was in Secondary 4 for the second time i fell for Fad, but for some reason i didn't tell her or made any really drastic move. Now that i think back about it, it was pretty funny.
Anyway all good parties comes to an end and soon i was out of secondary school and in ITE. During this course of one year a lot of things happened and over this time slowly i forgot about Fad. Then a few months passed again and i fell for my classmate Aini. What i really liked about her was her innocences, she was one of those good girl type and was so humble. Her cute dimples is a bonus man.
Talked to her a few months and we started sms-ing each other almost every night. Whenever she is on MSN she'll come talk to me. I always prefer to let the other party start the converstation, so that i know they want to talk to me just as much as i want to talk to them.
Those were some pretty good days, we'll smile at each other in class and the feeling was so very sweet, or sometimes we'll just make silly faces at each other. Soon i confessed to her that i liked her and we got along even better. I really believed we'll end up together. Once i asked her whether she likes me to or not, she said yea a little, and she wrote it on her livejournal too. Gosh i was so happy then, those were such good times.
But one day everything just broke down, i never really figured out why, maybe she finally knew the real me and turned away. Thinking back and reflecting on myself, i realised that maybe i was too possessive, or maybe i was too slow. Maybe i should have striked while the iron was hot. I didn't think of asking her to be my girlfriend because i knew she wanted to focus on her studies, at least she wanted to back then. Now shes changed from when i liked her, whilst she is still pretty much the same, she just don't feel as innocent as she was back then as a result of hanging out with Emira and the rest, shes now just a tad more like emira.
A few months has passed since we drifted apart and i guess i have to learn to let go, the feeling isn't as strong as it used to be and i felt like a fool, leaving me quite bitter
Then Fad ended up in the same school as me again, gosh what a turn of events, after i left secondary school i thought i would never see her again. I was glad to see her again but didn't think much of it. Then hanging out with her more and talking to her again, it reminds me of the old times and i'm starting to like her again. But she has her own life too
But i dont really know anything now, i don't know who i like anymore or what i want now. But the main thing is i realise what a jerk i am. Falling in love with this girl and that, i guess in the end i wont have either and i pretty much deserve it.
Life in general
Life has its up and down recently.
Recent events has made me understand myself better, i'm a jerk, i'm not as devoted or faithful as i'd like to think i am. Its a long story really and i guess i will write about it in my next post, a sortof brief history lesson on my mundane life.
Gosh, i feel so lost, what do i really want ?
But we do what we must, sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all.
Recent events has made me understand myself better, i'm a jerk, i'm not as devoted or faithful as i'd like to think i am. Its a long story really and i guess i will write about it in my next post, a sortof brief history lesson on my mundane life.
Gosh, i feel so lost, what do i really want ?
But we do what we must, sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all.
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