Tuesday, June 19, 2007

3

So Aini told me she got a boyfriend.



That really really really broke my heart, gosh it just hurts so bad, it really hurts



Yes i know she has done nothing wrong. It's just so funny ... i thought we both liked each other, just ... so funny she ended up with someone else. I never even saw it comming, but i did have a feeling she was going to have one that time, i told fiona about it, fish and the rest didnt believe me and said i was thinking too much.


I'm so dumb, listening to friends, they didn't know anything and i heeded what they say. I should have trusted myself, my assumptions always came true in contrast to my friend's word.


Aini have a boyfriend. Suddenly my outlook on life changes entirely. Ever since the whole Aini affair i've changed a lot, even sock hoon noticed the changed. I hate Aini for that too, she changed me, i'm not who i am anymore and i hated it. The strong triumps and the weak perishes, the law of nature. I guess thats why Aini's boyfriend wins, i don't want to be weak again, and kindness is a weakness.


I've really gotten bold, i even started messaging zuoyi's friend and just started chatting with her, until the extend that i can pratically ask her out after just 2 days of sms-ing. I feel so empty nowadays, i've never been afraid of the loneliness, but recently i just feel like i need someone to love. But i don't have anyone left to love now do i ?


So angry, so bitter, so disappointed. I don't even know who the other guy is. But he ought to be more handsome, more funny, smarter and sleeker. Then in that case part of me is strangely despite all the negative feeling happy for her.


Yet i'm so angry.


Not that i can't feel the change in myself, i know i've changed. Felicia has been asking me to go clubbing with her. It'll be nice to hang out with her but clubbing, sigh, i really have no interest in getting intimate with girls i don't know. But maybe who knows, seeing as how i'm changing, i might grow to like it. But for now, i'll just like someone to accompany to a quiet place and let me just sit down and just enjoy the ambience with someone. Somewhere with a nice view, maybe a really high building, or the beach.


I'm afraid one of drifting apart from Fadhilah again, slowly by slowly she'll realise i'm not the same boy she knew. One year can change a lot of things. It's highly probable that when she is together with Jaz, which i'm pretty sure will happen, i'll have a hard time talking to her and we'll drift apart. But then as i learnt from Aini, nothing is ever guranteened, and i guess its more true in love. Maybe Fadhilah will realise how much i've changed and we'll just drift apart, that seems highly probable too. Don't tell me one day i'll end up like Luqman, i certainly hope not.


Life just feels so empty recently.